ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
