I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
