I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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