okay pat passed out under dana's car
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
