Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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