ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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