Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
