just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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