I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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