today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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