highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i've created a new STD.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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