i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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