Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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