Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
