I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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