i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
