He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm passing your future prison.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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