By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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