No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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