One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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