i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
