I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
