apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
