I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
