i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize