Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
