Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
