I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
