I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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