to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
