I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
