he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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