Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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