I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
