Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
