Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
