I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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