Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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