When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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