Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
