I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
