I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
