I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
