His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
