Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
