If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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