So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
