Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
These tits shall not be calmed
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
