One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
