when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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