Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You have to summon your inner elephant
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
