I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
