Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
