Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
