My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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