I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
