I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
